What do you mean yourself
Who doesn't know that: the feeling of somehow standing next to you, of even being a stranger to yourself? Possibly at the same time insecure, unbalanced, driven, restless, lost, lonely. The desire to “rest in oneself”, “to be with oneself” is a widespread one. In this article, I will explain to you why this is of central importance for your life and not just desirable.
Attention: When you understand the extent of that, you will definitely want to change something in your life.
Table of Contents
How we move away from ourselves
The feeling of not being with oneself and possibly even being a stranger to oneself is unfortunately not uncommon today. Our everyday life is full of experiences that pull us away from us:
We lose ourselves in the problems of others, in our smartphones, tablets, computers, televisions and game consoles, we are constantly under time pressure and stress, we try to numb ourselves with addictions, be it with alcohol, cigarettes, work, shopping, chocolate, sex Etc.
They're all diversions, surrogate gratifications, because ultimately it's all easier than looking at ourselves. Those who are constantly and possibly even continuously on the outside neglect their own inner workings. Everything that is not cared for will eventually become neglected. So it can also happen with our own inner world. Maybe there is simply a lot of unpleasantness that we try to suppress or split off - so much that at some point we even feel split off from ourselves because we have never learned how to deal with it.
Because when we suppress something, we usually do so because we want to protect ourselves. Something unbearable is best locked away because it is unbearable at the moment. We surely all know that.
But just because we suppress something and also lock away the memory doesn't mean that it doesn't burden us. The burden remains. If too many of them come together, they push us to the ground.
But where should we learn how to deal with such experiences in a healthy way? In the regular schools, these topics are not given enough attention and in the own parental home old relationship patterns were usually simply continued without questioning them and old unprocessed injuries were passed on unconsciously. By no means willfully. And certainly not in all families either. But if you are still reading this text, you will surely have had experiences in this direction.
Separated from ourselves - and from others
Those who cannot be with themselves do not know what defines themselves, have no idea what really fulfills and delights them, but rather has to orientate themselves outside and thus cannot live their own life; He also finds it difficult to make good decisions for himself, he is constantly on the lookout, unbalanced, but cannot really grasp why. And sooner or later physical problems will burden him - a cry for help, as the ignored, split off, deeply hidden deep inside wants to finally draw attention to itself. It calls for integration.
Probably the biggest problems that result from not being with yourself are on the interpersonal level. Because each of us has a desire for deep connections.
Do you already know my article "What is absolutely necessary to be able to form deep connections"?
But how do you allow closeness when you cannot be with yourself?
Being connected to yourself is the basis for any connection with the outside world.
After all, how are we supposed to connect with someone when we are split off from ourselves?
Those who cannot accept themselves as they are will never be completely open in relationships, but rather more or less unconsciously want to hide aspects of themselves - from the other and themselves. Distance as protection. Without self-acceptance, compassion and love, there is no room for true connection. What is sought in the other is what one cannot give to oneself. In this way, you subconsciously assign the other a task at which he can only fail.
And whoever is a stranger to himself cannot control what penetrates inside himself. Unprotected things can come over you and even flood you.
Anyone who is a stranger to themselves can easily be determined by others, even unconsciously, because they have no access to their own value system. And it often adapts to its respective environment. In the midst of people he can feel strange and lonely.
How much do you orientate yourself to others? Are you trying to adapt to them or, precisely out of spite, to do exactly the opposite of what the crowd does? In both cases you do not act from within, but orientate yourself on clues outside. The probability is then high that you are not living your own life.
And do you want to achieve something constantly - very driven -? But maybe you only want to reach yourself?
The way back is not easy
Over time, the desire to be with oneself for inner peace and truth increases be, getting bigger. Arriving at oneself seems desirable, but not everyone manages to go the whole way. Usually the suffering has to be great to even go in the right direction.
Those who moved away from themselves did so for a reason. On the way back it is important to reintegrate what has been split off into your own life. Parts of one's life can no longer be denied.
Whoever goes this way takes responsibility for his life. He stops taking on roles in other people's plays that don't suit him. Instead, he writes his own play in which he plays the lead role.
A warning for the route:
The integration is exhausting, but worthwhile.
With each split off part, we lose a piece of our vitality. If we integrate it again, this vitality returns to our lives. Energy is released that previously served to suppress what was split off.
How alive do you feel right now?
Do you have something to integrate?
If so, I am convinced that you have the strength to do so. Because I, too, was able to muster up the strength little by little when I was seriously ill. The focus is crucial. Sometimes it has to come to the point that life forces us to concentrate on the essentials. For me, it was so.
What I learned and what I would like to give you as a suggestion, because it makes a huge difference:
You can get help. So far you have handled so much by yourself, you don't always have to do everything by yourself.
And be careful not to want too much at once. It's not about integrating a lot as quickly as possible. It's about finding your way back to you bit by bit at a pace that is right for you.
You lasted so long, you are great at survival! So I know that you still have the strength for the next steps.
What can help you with this
If it is difficult for you to even notice what is happening, practice feeling your body. In this way you can also find better access to your feelings. How it works? Through a mindful approach to your body (for example with the body scan) or mindful looking inward (for example when meditating, you can find out what helps you here).
In the article “What is absolutely necessary in order to be able to form deep connections” I have presented other exercises that are easy to integrate into everyday life.
By the way, the obstacles of shame, fear and resignation should not prevent you from looking inward. They will probably appear, because you didn’t put what you repressed aside for no reason. These feelings also just want to be perceived. And ultimately they want your best.
Incidentally, the relationship to one's own suffering is often disturbed: "It's not worth mentioning."
I also experienced this and it was only when I really accepted it that the way I treated myself changed fundamentally and my health continued to improve.
The following change of perspective helped me here and in many other contexts:
If it had happened to my best friend, how would I treat her?
Because only those who can deal with themselves compassionately can find their way back completely, they don't need to hide anything from themselves.
To come to more also means to introduce the head to the heart as a colleague. It is a good advisor in making decisions. Accordingly, you could ask more often what your heart has to say. When your head realizes that there is no competition, but only wants your best and is a helpful support, they can navigate you through life together.
By the way, coming to yourself doesn't mean just sitting alone on your own island. We need contact with others - also to experience ourselves. Every contact can bring us a little closer to ourselves if we allow it:
What bothered me about the other?
What did I like about the other?
How we react to what we perceive outside of us always has something to do with ourselves. It can show you what you dislike or like about yourself, it can make it clear to you what is important to you and what is not and much more.
In profound shared experiences, we can gradually get a little closer, rediscover old things and consciously expand our wealth of experience.
Those who come to will find out what no longer fits and what is (more) consistent. Changes are part of the process accordingly.
It means recognizing who you are swimming with and who you are not. It is a normal process to hurt yourself more often on the way to yourself. Discovering yourself also means recognizing how you differentiate yourself from others and living it consciously. It means listening to your own inner compass and, for example, being more selective about who and what you spend your time with.
Getting closer to yourself and accepting yourself is the basic requirement for self-love, for healthy self-worth.
Why that has nothing to do with selfishness
To be more with yourself and to align yourself with your own needs, among other things, may seem selfish to some. I myself have come a long way, on which I have repeatedly questioned whether I can take so much space from myself. In doing so, I understood something very central that helped me to take my needs seriously in the first place:
Whoever respects and accepts himself completely will also deal with the needs of his fellow human beings with respect and he can accept the difference of people, treat them with respect and appreciation on an equal footing.
Those who are selfish use others to feel good.
Those who love themselves and treat their fellow human beings respectfully do not use them for their own purposes.
Perceiving your own needs, aligning your life with your own values, living your own otherness, perceiving and accepting them in others, means living with dignity.
What science says about it
The social researcher Brené Brown has been dealing with the topic of human connection for many years. Your research confirms:
Those who treat themselves lovingly can also really empathize with others. Only when we really accept each other and authentically show how we are and not how we think we have to be can we form true connections. Authenticity is a basic requirement for connection.
Brown noticed in her research that people who have a deep sense of love and belonging believe that they are worthy of love and belonging.
If you want to find out more about it, I highly recommend Brené Brown's work. As an introduction, take a look at one of her lectures: The Power of Vulnerability.
“When we can say, 'I am enough,' then we stop screaming and start listening, are more loving and kind to those around us, and are more loving and kind to ourselves." - Brené Brown
Go your way powerfully
The path to oneself is diverse, as diverse as we humans. It can be a long process depending on how far away the person is from themselves.
What can you do now to come to yourself?
Because you can always get one step closer to yourself.
Do you want to make your way to yourself?
If you would like support, I would be happy to be a part of your companion, for example with coaching or the tried and tested 8-week training “Be with me. Consciously design my interior space and my boundaries. "
I wish you a powerful journey, enriching companions and, above all, a safe arrival!
All the best
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