Should I contact my ex-FSO parents?
A separation represents a critical life event for those affected, which is associated with a multitude of feelings. The task is to cope with the grief process that is triggered. Usually one of the partners first makes the final decision to end the partnership, and both parties are often at different points in the grieving process.
So that a new partnership has the opportunity to develop, it is important to take your own feelings seriously, to be authentic and to exchange ideas with your partner. Even if the ex / ex is still injured due to the story, everyone can enjoy being “in love”.
Sandra Walz from the family counseling department at the Institute for Social Services (ifs) in Bludenz questions the necessity of getting to know the ex ' to ask. What is it supposed to achieve? What is the meaning behind it? ”Often behind such intentions there are very romantic and idealized ideas of love and friendship as well as a pronounced need for harmony - at all costs. However, encounters with the ex's new partner can (re) activate intrapsychic injuries that have already been treated. It is not necessary to repeatedly find yourself in situations that could mean renewed hurt and overwhelm. “We don't have to be cooler than we are!” In principle, however, nothing stands in the way of getting to know each other, provided that this appears sensible and valuable to all those involved.
It is different when children are involved. "When a partnership is entered into with someone who has children, it is clear that you are not getting a 'newbie'." The children need their parents, whether they are separated, have new partnerships or live under one roof . Satisfying the children's needs for loving and stable relationships, for security, integrity and regulation, for boundaries and structures, as well as for individual and developmental experiences are essential for their well-being.
Often all those involved put themselves under too much pressure in such a situation. Mindfulness and sensitivity are recommended here. It is necessary to treat one another with respect, it can be more. The adults involved are primarily responsible for shaping the relationship. The children should experience that the dad / mom continues to have time and interest in them despite new love. Your partner's children should be allowed to love you, but they don't have to. The children should be able to like the new one of their dad / the new one of the mum and be able to communicate this to the mother / father. Children feel atmospherically whether or not they offend a parent with their affection for someone and, in the first case, very quickly get into conflicts of loyalty. The fear of otherwise harming and losing a parent can also be behind negative statements made by the child to the new partner. It is important to look behind the child's behavior, to keep one's own limits and to insist on a "decent" encounter. Under no circumstances should the adults react to this shown emotional distress of the child with sanctions, counter-accusations, etc. Behind every expression and action of the child there is also an offer of relationship. In the best case scenario, the new partner can become another adult, trustworthy caregiver for the child. Relationships that the child can experience and live unencumbered promote their well-being and development.
Getting to know each other among the adults can be very useful here in order to promote and strengthen mutual trust. Here, too, the motto is respectful encounter and mutual liking, but not of having to.
If you notice that the children are not doing well because you are stuck between two stools as a parent with a new partner, because the other parent is jealous of the new partner or as a new partner If the partner is unable to cope with the situation and discussions with those involved or confidants do not provide any clarification, experts can offer support. Patchwork constellations pose a great challenge for everyone involved and require a lot of coping and adjustment efforts. The own needs and those of the child are not always the same and must also be recognized by adults in their differences.
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