How do I immediately show extreme confidence

Why can't i trust

Many people know this or similar situations: You are actually totally happy with someone right now. Everything is going great, you are in love, see each other regularly, have great conversations, great sex and should actually be completely happy ... If it weren't for that one feeling that comes up again and again sooner or later. This feeling that the partner is cheating on you, loves you too little or is betraying you in some other way. At some point it drives you crazy. One taunts, observes and controls. Until you just argue and drive your partner to really leave you or you break up yourself because you are at the end of your tether. Mistrust. An ugly but common reason for separation.

Where does the distrust come from?

Those who are constantly jealous often blame the partner for it. Because the partner came home late from work, because he looks after other women or because he is talking about his ex-girlfriend. Mistrust and pathological jealousy usually have nothing to do with your partner, but with yourself.

People who are constantly plagued by the feeling that they are betraying, lying, or leaving their partner may have experienced loss in their childhood or were cheated on by their previous partners. It goes without saying that it is difficult to have a happy relationship without any fear. Often, however, there are also self-doubts that reinforce this mistrust. "I am not attractive enough", "I am not smart enough", "I am not successful enough". Such things often sit quite unconsciously but deep inside us and trigger completely irrational attacks of jealousy or mistrust. Because if you think of yourself that you are not good enough, then you do not believe that your partner will find you good. So you are plagued by the constant feeling of being "too little" and you really wait to be betrayed or abandoned.

The result: you reproach your partner without cause, sniff after him and maybe even check his cell phone or wallet. You want to find something that proves you are not wrong with your feelings. Even if the partner asserts his innocence over and over again, those affected cannot cease their jealousy and control behavior.

Experience of loss as a child
For some, this may have to do with experiences that happened in early childhood. For example, you saw your mother being betrayed by your father and how you sat at home crying. From then on, you vowed that this would never happen to you.

Others may still suffer from the pain caused when their father left the family. What hurt and broken you as a child catches up with you in a relationship. Always the fear that the person you love so much, who is so close to you, could just be gone overnight.

Cheated by the ex-partner
Others had to experience affairs in ex-relationships. They may have been betrayed for years without even realizing it, and now they blame themselves for how stupid they were. So you make up your mind that something like this should never happen to you again ... that you never want to be so naive again. According to the motto: trust is good, control is better.

"If you are jealous, you don't doubt your partner, you doubt yourself."

Why are some people not jealous?

If you consider yourself good enough, intelligent enough, or attractive enough, then you trust your partner to do the same. You never get the idea that your partner might leave you because you don't see any reason to. If you have a healthy self-esteem, you are less susceptible to jealousy. The psychologist Rolf Merkle is convinced that people who are less jealous learned in their childhood not to judge their worth according to how popular they are with others: "They have learned to take care of their own satisfaction."

On the other hand, jealous and suspicious people constantly need confirmation from others. These self-doubts lead to the fact that at some point you also doubt the love of your partner and the fear arises that the partner might leave you.

How do you manage to trust?

The US psychologist John Gottmann assumes that there are three phases of love in which couples build their trust:
1. The infatuation.
2. The phase in which people build up their relationship in everyday life and also begin to see things that bother you. In this phase the existential questions arise: Are you there for me? Are you loyal? Do you share your feelings? Talk to me when you are sad Will you introduce me to your friends and family? At this stage, the building of trust begins.
3. Building loyalty and bonding - in the sense of obligations.
Especially in the last phase it is important to work on yourself. According to Gottmann, this also includes putting the interests of your partner above your own and making sacrifices. For example, if your friend would rather spend the evening with his buddies than with you, leave him and wish him a wonderful evening. The sacrifice that you spend an evening alone is affordable when he comes home in a good mood and balanced.

Also, you should ALWAYS ask yourself questions before you start bombarding your partner with accusations and jealousy. Ask yourself: where do my doubts come from? Is there really any reason for my distrust at the moment? Always try to look at the facts first before engaging in your emotions. For example, if you accuse your partner of loving you less than you do him, first consider the facts: is he really neglecting you? Does he spend too little time with you? Isn't he listening? What makes you feel unloved? The answer is often found in oneself.

The best remedy against distrust of your partner is therefore to trust yourself. The stronger your self-esteem and self-esteem, the lower your distrust and jealousy. Just because you don't consider yourself adorable doesn't mean your partner doesn't too.

How can I boost my self-esteem?

The important thing is that you like yourself even if you are not perfect. If you only like yourself, when you have five pounds less and perfect skin, or you become more successful at work, you can never achieve stable self-esteem.

The psychotherapist Rolf Merkle recommends the following exercises:
Take 30 minutes every day and sit down with a mirror somewhere where you are completely undisturbed and unobserved. Before doing this, you should get yourself in a good mood, for example by listening to your favorite song or taking a short walk.
Take the mirror and put on a smile. Look into your eyes for a few seconds and then say out loud: "Laura (insert your first name here), I love you."
Let these words sink in for a few seconds.
Then you say to yourself 5 things that you are proud of, such as, "I am proud of you because you are working on yourself." or "Your hair looks great."

You may feel a little uncomfortable with this exercise for the first few days. Merkle believes that it is not uncommon for people to cry or even feel sick. This reaction shows how strange we are to each other and how important it is to finally get closer and love ourselves.

We promise: The stronger your self-confidence, the easier it will be for you to trust your partner.

Here are some more tips to boost your self-confidence: 5 tips for more self-confidence

In the video: 15 questions you should ask yourself before the wedding.

© Video: Wochit